I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
