I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Randomize
