I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
