I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
How's work?
Spinning.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
