dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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