So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
