Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
