I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
