Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
