I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
