I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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