4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
