I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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