At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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