ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Randomize
