We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
