woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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