How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
