I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
