Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
