My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
high people should be assigned attendants
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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