Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
