ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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