I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
