Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
