drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
where are you?
Hypothermia
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
