I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
