I was born with a shot glass in my hand
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
