My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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