your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
