And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
