Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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