You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
