she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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