they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
