i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
