M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
