Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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