the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Randomize
