He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
