he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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