I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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