You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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