you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
