ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
You left your phone here
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