i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
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After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
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And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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