how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
