I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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