grandma shit on top of the toilet
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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