Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
