Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
