just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
