I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
so much tequila, so little girl.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Your penis caused this!
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
