just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
