I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
