Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
