I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
