Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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