Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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