I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
