He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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