I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
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Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
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It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
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